Letting Go

It was a windy cold day in January when we said goodbye. The ground was hard and covered with snow, I've always enjoyed that type of day in Ohio, but this one in particular the wind bit through your wears. As we gathered around my Grandfathers final resting place and witnessed first hand the firing of guns in salute to a fallen comrade, I wondered would this moment be felt for all time. I suppose it was the finallity of the situation, or maybe it was the look everyone had as they blankly stared back at one another. If you stared too long at one person and they saw you then the emotion of saying goodbye would overcome you. So it was easier to just scan the area and hold it in, asking yourself if you remembered that person across the way or was that the person you'd spoken to but not really known for all those years. For me most of the time was spent looking at all my Grandfathers children there saying in their own private thoughts goodbye to their Father, indeed watching my Mother was most gut rentching. As the ceremony proceded and came to an end, I soon found the greatest heartache was seeing a spouse saying goodbye to apart of herself, they'd been together for 59 years.

The night before his funeral I was up late preparing a few words, I'd been asked to do so days before we arrived in Ohio, but I'd waited till that night to start. I wanted to be there and feel those memories there In Ohio that had brought me up all my years as a child and now a Father. I read scriptures, I even thought of using some good musical lyrics to get my point across. Now matter how I wanted to begin, all I could think of was how it would end. For the last five months or so My Grandparents spent most of their time in an old folks home just down from their own home, as it turned out they would not return to that place we'd last seen them and shared laughter. That must be hard to know you are so close but physically are unable to be where you mind and spirit already are. An all to familiar end was approaching, when the body just sleeps and not eats it is only a matter of time, and we all knew it...though it wasn't any easier when he passed. But before he did, he did something that to this day is all I could focus on that night and even now. I guess he knew and called for my Grandmother, holding her hand and looking in her eyes and recalling 59 glorious years together, he smiled. He said to her " I love you and you gotta take care of yourself, you gotta eat." He then smiled, held her hand and was gone. That very thought of the two of them together, alone in a room having that moment is what the focus of my thoughts that evening before and that day thereof consisted of. Those memories never fade, its probably then I feel the loss so powerfully.

My two year old Daughter was going through a photo frame and came across my Grandfathers picture and the poster of his Obituary, she asked who's that man. I said to her thats your Great-Grandfather. I asked her to be careful with this treasured item, as she asked to hold it and we looked at it together. I read to her a passage that I wish I could give credit to its author, and told her remember "Grandpa" you met him before. I smiled and and looked at her as though I had failed her by not giving her the chance to have known him, she after all wasn't even a year old when they met. I then felt overcome having failed him, I wonder if he even knew who I was introducing him to at the time of our last gathering. He was bedridden by then and I carried him to his bed ,unknowingly it would be the last time I'd see, or hug him...can't say I appreciated that moment as I do now. I excused myself to get her some water, I didn't want her to see my eyes watering and ask why...not ready to explain that to my little girl.

Which in a round about way brings me to that night prior to his burial. I could relay what was said and written by me and others that day, its still very vivid even now. But I want to put you in the room, were two kindred spirits became one...as I said before I give credit to whomever wrote this and my thanks for allowing me to use it and most of all my enduring love for the message that conveys the thoughts of those final moments:

MAY I GO NOW?

May I go? May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain filled days and endless lonely nights?

I've lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond and set my spirit free?

I didn't want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now to a warm and loving light.

I want to go. I really do.
It's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can to live just one more day,

To give you time to care for me and share your love and fears.
I know you're sad and so afraid, because I see your tears.

I'll not be far, I promise that,
and hope you'll always know
that my spirit will be close to you,
wherever you may go.

Thank you so for loving me.
You know I love you too.
That's why it's hard to say good-bye and end this life with you.

So hold me now, just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you'll let me go today.


In Loving Memory

Herbert H. Ochier Sr. 11-18-1917 ~ 1-20-2007